The Evolution of Jeremiah

“That once you speak your words, you cannot take them back…”

I guess I grew up because I find myself thinking about my father and I have adopted many of his sayings, because he was right. Not that I, for the most part, ignored what he told me or my brother. Even if we are estranged, I must admit that I find myself standing in his shoes on the odd occasion, and I find myself looking at the world through his eyes.

I want to talk about Responsibility.

When we are children, we are not really responsible for much. We have to do our chores, keep our rooms clean and help with the dishes and yard work, if you were like me. The older I got the more responsibility I attained. I had to grow up faster than I had ever expected. All of those stories are already written.

I was talking to a friend earlier, and he said that because of depression, he takes things personally for the most part. This thought has been running through my head all afternoon while I was doing my house work, while watching Oprah. Yes, I know, I am such a housewife! UGH!!

Many years ago, I was in massive therapy. I had a shrink, and I had a therapist. I was on medication after medication. I ran the list of pills through the P.D.R. [physicians desk reference] it was not pretty. I wanted off the wheel of massive depression. For many years I used the excuse of depression to justify my actions and my decisions. I used my illness to legitimate everything that I did not want to do, and also to legitimate the way I was acting.

Living with AIDS, brought with it certain disabilities. Those that were pronounced and those that were not so easy to detect. It took me a long time to work out of my depression and start to live again. I have to say that for the first five years, I was running on auto-pilot because others believed for me, that there was life after death.

Then there is addiction, alcoholism, the abusive things I did to myself, and others, because I was in a bad way. I am hurting so - I am going to hurt me! insane, but it happened. Even through the darkest times of depression and sickness, Todd always made me accountable for my actions, accountable for my partnership, accountable to my Will to Live.

I could no longer hide behind my illness. I could no longer use my depression to limit the things I could do. The longer I live with AIDS the more I learn about myself, and what I can and cannot do. There are things that I must pay heed to. I must pay attention to my body - all the time, every day that goes by.

I have moved from being utterly unable to get out of bed for days at a time. For some strange reasons that I cannot explain, I have never revisited the utter and abject sickness that framed my life for the first five years after my diagnosis. I have had bad times over the last 6 years. AIDS is funny that way.

It doesn’t matter what day it is, or what is going on in my life, but there are days when I reach bottom physically, mentally or emotionally. It takes a lot of work to stay “UP” all the time. Maintaining this UP life is not a cakewalk. My friends all agree that if you didn’t know - the [unknown - unknown] that I Had AIDS or specifically told you that I was gay, you would never know.

My doctors still say that they cannot scientifically explain why I am still alive, and why I continue to defy the odds. They do not even speculate or discuss the inner work that I have done over the last 14 plus years. I am not as strong as a normal forty year old man who can do things normally. But what is considered normal?

I am not going to kill myself working 60 to 70 hour weeks. I am not going to kill myself, trying to rush myself through University to get some looser job here in Quebec and put up with the language bullshit. I was in the grocery store earlier today, and I had a cart full of food when I approached the cash. There were two carts empty in front of the cashier bay, and so I got them and pushed them through the cash so that they could be brought to the cart area instead of causing a traffic jam, I am just like that. I always have been.

So this cute Quebec boy starts to comment that “maybe he should give me a job, and he’s quickly chattering to the cashier as he bagged my groceries.” I got the most of the conversation that I could make out, but he asked me a question that threw me linguistically, and I said “huh?” They all know I am an Anglophone, and still to this day, there are those who refuse to speak English to me, which only fuels my disdain for all things Quebecois!!

When I began to work on my issues within the milieu of depression, I became responsible for my side of the street. Now that I am sober some 24 hours, I know that I am responsible for my side of the street. There is just so much hiding I can do behind my “Diseases.” If I have a bad day, and I miss class or I get sick, or I am feeling physically sick that all I want to do is sleep, I must pay attention to that, because if I don’t I am going to end up in worse shape for fighting my body’s response to whatever … Living with AIDS is just a crap shoot at times.

I have my good days and my bad days emotionally. I just cannot take pills that up my mood or help moderate the roller coaster, and not do the work required of me to maintain the shiny exterior you see here in my writing and in real life - if you are part of my living circle of friends and family. I can’t use the excuse that “Oh, I am depressed, so I can act or react in this manner, and blame my attitude on my state of depression.” This was not an easy lesson to learn. In the beginning I had no self worth and I didn’t know what it meant to ‘know’ how to be strong for myself.

Putting up with asshole social service workers, shitty case managers, fucked up government secretaries and managers and ‘care-LESS” health care workers forced me to learn how to use my negatives as fuel for the positives. Many people lost jobs and many ignorant and arrogant people faced me on a bad day and I showed no mercy. AIDS is not merciful. AIDS doesn’t grant one courtesy or privilege. I will never be cured of a disease that wreaks havoc with my insides and if you are supposed to be accountable, and you fail me, there is no forgiveness or mercy, especially when my life is on the table.

I have been told that I am cold, arrogant and short with people. I have been told by some that I have an ego that needs to be destroyed. it is true that I ignore dissension on this blog, that if you send me a comment and I don’t like it, I just hit delete. I don’t usually ignore comments as they come in, except of course if you are an evangelical Christian, or an ignorant fuck who thinks they know more than I do about myself or my life or my responsibilities as an Alumni, a Student or a human being living with AIDS.

Depression causes unmentionable suffering. Unless you know from depression in its worst form, you will never be able to identify just how utterly debilitating depression can be. For me, I went from being a free spirit to become an agoraphobic and learning to trust people again after my massive relapse trip to hell and back, and my eventual recovery. Depression is a bitch. But it doesn’t rule my life.

I have become Master over my illnesses to a point.

Just when I think that I have them conquered, for a few days, I am reminded in one way or another that illness owns my ass until I am dead. I get maybe 7 good days in a row, still to this day, prior to the battery needing serious time in a regeneration alcove! I cannot go full steam all the time, every day, 24-7 every week.

When hubby had his nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder, I knew what that was. Yet Bi-Polar was a known-unknown. I had a relationship with a bi-polar lunatic who tried to kill me, so I knew what bi-polar was. What I did not know was the return trip to sanity for my husband. We did not know how long it would take to get the medications right. I was in the dark for ten months. TEN MONTHS. Thank God for men of faith and late night radio and my blog. I walked this journey with my husband with the help of truly gifted people who are family today.

We began to Master the Depression. Every day we worked. Every day we prayed. Hubby did a lot of sleeping in those ten months he was down and I did everything that needed to be done for both of us. There is no ego when you are feeding, cleaning and caring for a sick significant other, there is no ego when you are alone in the dark sobbing because the pain and grief of sickness is so deep that you cannot see the way out. There is no ego when all you have is your faith and your wherewith all.

I have a sincere respect for illness. I have a sincere fear of AIDS, My Alcoholism and for Pain. I can tell you that caring for sick people is a fine art. It is not something I take lightly. And its not something I invite into my life without thinking through my abilities. Walk a day in our shoes and see if your ego is not broken, destroyed and obliterated. Then you must also consider how [WE] who are sick are broken, destroyed and obliterated dealing with our respective illnesses. How hard it is to rebuild from brokenness. How long that rebuilding process takes.

I remember after ten months of drug treatment, trial and error dosing and pill after pill, I did not know if my hubby would survive another round of testing another medication, because he was pretty catatonic for so long - he had been down for so long, I did not know if he had the will or the energy to fight back. So everything I had emotionally, physically and mentally, I had to pour into him, basing everything I knew on what I had been through dealing with my AIDS diagnosis and situation over the last twelve years and my coming back from the pit of despair in my depression, at that point in our lives.

I remember that night, in September of 2004, when after ten months of waiting, crying, sobbing and praying my despair was brought to an end. Miraculously, as if God himself stepped out of heaven and came into our home, and lifted hubby off the sofa, softly and gently, took him by the hand and said, “Rise, Let us be on our way!”

There was much jubilation and celebration in my support team. I, myself was so tired that it took everything I had to take it all in. It was just an unbelievable sight. With hubby being absent for so many months, life went on without him. I just did not stop living because he was down. I kept going, I kept learning, going to school, I was hitting meeting after meeting, I was being fed spiritually and emotionally. The rebuilding of my hubby’s life began in earnest.

He had much ground to make up. And there arose a resentment in his mind that I was doing all these things keeping myself busy during all the down time. I had filled my life with things to do while he was out of sight and mind. Depression does that to people. Depression can destroy relationships - it can destroy families.

Those who lived through an absent spouse, father, husband, wife or partner. While you were busy suffering from depression as you may have done, the rest of us had to keep living. We rebuilt lives inside the empty spaces you created in our lives by your absence. So now you must respect the boundaries we set up and now [You] who are now back from the dead, must navigate your way back into our lives. Sometimes that does not happen as we want it to happen or as quick as you’d like, and we may not get fully re-assimilated, and we have to either deal with reality or ignore it to the point that it wrecks a relationship.

It is a good thing we had medical and support teams at the ready to take over as hubby began to rebuild his life after being gone for so long. I had to have strength for both of us. I had to be guide for both of us, along side the professionals who helped us both rebuild lost time and hurt feelings, resentments were worked out in the meetings. I had to be above ego and self concern and self centeredness.

By the time [that day] came around, I was so broken emotionally that I had to rebuild my life as well. I had to rework my husband into my life. I had to find the balance between school, life, my own illness and my own issues and our home life. I could not hide behind my diseases. I could not hide behind AIDS, or even for a moment blame my inability to cope on depression or ignorance.

There was no time to hide. There was no time for ego, I had to step up because I committed to my relationship before we ever spoke a vow to each other. Vows would come two months later - the greatest celebration in our lives, in the lives of our friends who carried me for months on end, and still do to this day, and our family.

To this day, none of our family members know the depth of sickness that occurred prior to our wedding day. We chose not to tell them because it would have been too much on top of their dealing with their son being gay and getting married. We still had to contend with people’s insecurities about us kissing at our own wedding. We still had to contend with family that did not have regular daily contact with homosexuals.

You see, our problems did not stop at depression and Aids, it went much further because of ignorance, stupidity and arrogance. In the end we choreographed our wedding down to the placement of steps on the floor and where people were seated specifically, and we orchestrated a fine dance of positions as to lessen the impact of a homosexual kiss on the tender sensibilities of our family and guests…

There was a lot riding on our wedding day.

As we grew back together, there were no excuses to be made. No hiding to be done. No shame to be assessed, no blame to be pointed, and no resentments to be levied. Life picked up speed and continued to pick up speed as hubby worked his way back to full steam, which took another nine months.

He could not hide behind his illness, he had hidden for long enough. We were going to face this head on and grow up and learn to be accountable, responsible and maintain some semblance of normalcy. Hubby had to relearn what it meant to be responsible. He had to relearn how to shop, pay bills, and live in normal society living with [massive amounts] of bi-polar medication that he was on the manage his manic depression.

Then it was the [roller coaster] from hell as we began to manage the high-highs and the low-lows. We had to chart the cycles you see hubby was not only bi-polar but additionally they told us [rapid cycling] what the hell was that? Well, we found that out soon enough.

In sobriety, we learn to live in the moment, and to stay in our days, and to pray and ask God’s help in the dark spots. We did a lot of that. There was no hiding. And I did not allow hiding. I was here through the darkness, so you are awake now, so stay awake.

I had to be sure of myself. I needed the answers before the questions were asked. I had to know what was coming next - I had to know as much as I could before everyone else. It was a good thing that people were there to help educate me, people who listened and assisted when they could.

Depression, like AIDS is a disability. At least they are here in Canada. Four years on we can never predict the precise cycle and how long it will last. We cannot predict with precision, when my body is going to revolt, as it does on the odd occasion. And we have learned that you cannot hide behind an illness. That only goes so far. You can’t use the trump card, during all poker games.

Once you decide that you are going to live, to your highest degree with integrity and authenticity, there is no going back. One cannot fall back on old behavior. One cannot return to the past, but the past becomes a stepping stone into the future. You cannot hide in the here and now. God is watching you. You keep the trump card in your back pocket, and use it sparingly and only in emergencies or at times when it is most useful to yourself or to someone else who might need a good dose of “fucking reality!!!”

We have learned that Bi-polar people can be brilliant and they can be very self destructive as well. If one allows a cycle to get out of control, destruction and total meltdown, is never far away. It is unethical to hide inside sickness, unless of course you are terminally ill and one is marked for death. No one knows when the appointed day will come, so we must live with integrity, life and strength, even when we are tired, because if you don’t live for the now, it may not be here later. You might miss something along the way you were supposed to see, learn or experience.

When you are dead, there will be time to sleep.

Battling disease is really hard, battling AIDS is a fight, even if you don’t see it, I see it. Even if I look good on the outside, you really don’t know the work that goes into my ability to present to you a calm, cool, and collected man. It is easier these days and in the same breath is is more difficult, because the older I get, I fixate on the ‘when!’ I am always cognizant of the fact that at any moment AIDS could rear its ugly head, like it did to all of my friends who are long since dead, and take me too…

We cannot hide from disease or depression and we should never allow it to Master us as humans, we always have to be ahead of the eight ball and that takes years of conscious work. Good people you trust and learning how to behave your way to success. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. This job is not for the feint of heart or the weak, only the strong survive. Do not be overtaken by the tidal wave of depression or illness.

I know there are cases that are unimaginable. I know there are illnesses that people will never recover from. I know there are illnesses that will kill us. Will kill me in the end. You cannot cheat death, ignore death or remain apathetic about death. What I have learned in as many years is this, you must live, and live well, to the best of your ability, because there are people like us out here who have conquered disease and we can show you the way as well. All you have to do is ask. And we will gratefully help you. You cannot keep the gift unless you give it away. I have said a lot of words tonight, and there is nothing I want to take back here.

For those who do not know sickness from a hole in the wall, the next time you desire to call us out or point a finger remember,

“Once you speak your words, you can never take them back!”

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8