I’m feeling a little [dis-eased] tonight. I am not feeling right in my skin. And it feels like I am down on my knees trying to find grace. They say that “at any given point of the day, you are right where you need to be at any given moment in your day.” I am not feeling very well at the moment.

They say that “If you have a problem with someone else, that the problem lies within yourself.” And I need to find out what it is within me that has me in such a shitty place. I am not sober enough? Am I not praying enough? Am I not feeling enough compassion? And where do I draw the line, if there is a line to draw, between the right feeling and the wrong feeling. And is/does my dis-ease with people ever become justifiable? I mean I bust my ass to do the right thing, when others in my social circle take, take and take and never make headway in their progress. I am not feeling compassion at all. And you know what, that’s ok because maybe I need to learn something? I wonder if I am suffering from a lack of humility? Because God knows, I try to do my best every day, and some days I just fall short.

Does there ever come a day when you can say that you have arrived? Or are we always in the state of “getting there, and we are not quite there yet, but just keep walking a bit further and eventually you will get there!”

I really want to help my friends out of their darkness, and it seems that some of my folks have no earthly desire to get out of their darkness, and so they sit in their piles of shit and grown mushrooms. And does that reflect poorly on my abilities or my sobriety, that maybe people are not moving as fast down the path as I am, I know that for sure. Everyone must walk their path, on God’s time, not on my time.

Today’s topic was “Are you willing to go to any lengths to stay sober?” It is stated in the Big Book that half measures availed us nothing, we stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with complete abandon. I don’t know why I am fixated on my sobriety as I have been the last few days, I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I have gone to any lengths to stay sober, to work my program and today I am accountable because of the time, effort and care I have banked over the last seven years. I just don’t show up every week and warm a chair, I am an active participant in my sobriety and I think that is one of the issues that I am fixated over, that others just show up and just warm chairs, they talk the lingo and play the game, but at the heart of it all, there is no substance. And I have a problem with that. So that is my problem too, right? Impatience? Misunderstanding? Ego? Arrogance? Self Centeredness?

I’m so tired of listening to misery from my friends week in and week out, the story never changes. We have a program, a program of action, a program of recovery. They say, “Easy come, Easy Go!” Why do some people get on the bus and they do the work and they get honest and become Happy, Joyous and Free!!! We want everybody to get to Happy, Joyous and Free, don’t we? I think this all came to a head on Saturday when I realized that I was at a certain place in my sobriety and that “that” meant something to me in that moment. And that was my moment to have.

You can please some of the people, some of the time, but you cannot please all of the people, all of the time. And some people will never change, although change is possible, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. Sometimes I want to shake a throttle some of my friends because they are so stubborn and immovable that it drives me crazy. And I think that that is something that I have to work on through prayer. But for Christ’s sake, do I always have to be a people pleaser? Do I always have to say, well, they are where they are because that is where they are, and you have to afford people latitude, and that I can’t be judgmental or pissy about it, I just have to deal with it. IMPATIENCE!!!

I’m just not in a good place…

At some stage of this game I get to the point where I sit and look around me at my friends and I say “For Christ’s sake SHIT or get off the POT!” If you don’t want what we have, after seven years of being here, they maybe it’s time for you to go. I want to be what someone called himself a “Lifer!” I just think that at some point that misery has to come to an end, because I am getting tired of being around it, listening to it and seeing people sit in misery week in and week out.

Now you might say, “well Jeremy, if you don’t like it or you are unhappy, then leave…” I have pondered that question for the last little while.

I’m just not in a good place…

I’ve ranted enough, I’m going to go eat and talk to my hubby…

Until later peeps…