“For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants they do not govern.”

Sorry, I haven’t been posting daily, as of late, I just haven’t had anything expressive to say. I was waiting to see what kind of response I would get from recent posting. Thank you for all your comments.

It is Saturday the 3rd of May. Today we had a historical group conscience meeting of my home group. Which is something that is recommended to do every year. it has been over seven for our group. There were six people for today’s group meeting. Our number of members has fallen over the last few months.

With a moderators assistance we set out our agenda – as per those things we wanted to discuss, each of us were given a sheet of paper to jot down the things each of us had on our minds. A lot of the members did a lot of writing. I on the other hand had very little to write down. So the meeting began.

I found that I was judgmental, and that I had a lot of conflict with a certain member of the group in particular. My good friend Ms. Nikki, has been in a bad spot for a long time, and when it came time to start voting on certain issues, I found her to be self centered and self serving. And the issue became for me, are you here to serve yourself or are you here to serve the group?

Ms. Nikki only comes to the meeting because it breaks up the monotony of her life. And of late, she has been increasingly ill tempered and bitter. She has more than once and including today, spoken about the fact that she will be leaving the group. She does not work a program of recovery, yet she is quick to offer her opinion about other people where it comes down to sobriety and sober issues, yet she does nothing to work her own program. She does not mix well with others, and she makes no bones about it. It was difficult for me to accept that she has a vote and a voice, even if she is combatant and bitter.

It is one thing to come to the meeting and make coffee each week, it is totally another issue to get involved with the sobriety of others and to actually put yourself out there and be accountable. It is a known fact that she has issues with anonymity and the fact that she lives her life in fear of meeting another “member” on a bus or in a public place. She came into the meeting this morning saying that if she knew who the moderator was that she would just up and leave the meeting right then and there, which was not the thing to say to me at the outset of this meeting. She is so fucking worried about who knows shes in the program that is clouds her own vision to a terrible degree.

She continues to participate in our group, yet she does not apply herself to her sobriety, where the rest of us bust our asses day in and day out to stay sober. I put a motion up on the table for a 30 day chip to be given to newbies if they wanted one, and she voted against it, that burned my ass because what does she care whether of not we give a 30 day chip when she does not give a damn about anyone else who comes to our meeting. She told me that she wasn’t going to maintain her membership at the meeting, so why should she have a vote as to what we decide as a group?

The motion did not pass… fuck me…

We covered all the other issues that were brought up, we made a few clarifications as to group members and time requirements for service and chairing of meetings. Every one participated in lively discussion, and I, more than once, needed to take someone else’s inventory, which is my own personal issue. I don’t mind going to a business meeting every month and being the group treasurer, but some members refuse to come to business meetings because it does not serve them to show up, yet they assume that they have a voice when it comes to decisions and actions.

Are you serving the meeting at large or are you serving yourself?

Ms. Nikki wants to push back the start times of the meetings to serve her better, and she wants to close the speaker meeting because it does not serve her to stay for the second meeting. She does not want to spend money for intergroup or general service, she wants to give all the money away locally, she does not see the importance of the global picture at large. Her life schedule does not jive with the times of the meetings any more because she wants a reason to leave the meeting and she has been making excuses to leave the meeting for more than six months.

You know what it is like when you watch someone fight the tide at every turn just looking for an excuse to give up and say fuck it… And recently I’ve become bored with listening to the sob stories and the bitching and moaning about time and the fact that she has no life and that she finds the meetings meaningless, and she never EVER says a word during any discussion meeting. She would rather die than to open herself up to recovery, and that pains me because I know she is hurting and however hard I try to minister to her needs, the message is just not making it through her thick skull.

One of our other female members tries to talk to her and she gets the same song and dance from her. I watched Louise throw her hands up even before the meeting started listening to Ms. Nikki make excuses as to why she would not be participating in the group further. What can you do?

How can one get sober and stay sober and become happy, joyous, and free, if you are always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop on you? I’ll give you my opinion and cast my vote in your group, but I will not apply myself to the program or to sobriety. Why the fuck Bother???

And I know that I am partially to blame for this happening because I allow it to happen around me. I sit and listen to her piss and moan week after week, and try as I might to affect change – it is like trying to force the horse to drink at the well, after leading the horse there. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.

So I am at SOBER odds with my best friend when it comes to my Home Group.

I work on my sobriety. I work my steps, and i work with others, I sponsor newbies and I actively participate in the daily runnings on of my home group. I have participated in my sobriety for the last seven years, and I share at meetings and I speak when asked to speak. Whereas some people come to meetings, they mark time, they show up and warm a chair, but they do nothing, they want nothing, they expect nothing and they contribute nothing. And it comes to pass that we sat in this meeting today and listened to Ms. Nikki talk about sobriety like she knew what she was talking about with some authority. She spoke about working with new comers and pledging to do more, when over the last seven years, she wouldn’t be caught dead speaking to another alcoholic in a public setting. God forbid someone see her in the capacity as a member in public.

She would rather walk away, than identify herself as an alcoholic. She has her good points, she is always the first person to step up and be counted where it came to caring for other people. She has, more than once, over the last seven years helped hubby and I when necessary and she would not think twice about stepping up and being accountable if called upon. But we are a special case, she is my best friend. And I stared questioning my friendship when it came to the group conscience today.

There are some things that I, (we) as a group overlook in everyday life. We make allowances for bad days and bad months and bad attitudes. I put up with this bullshit, because I know that if she was to leave the group, that she would have no one else to fixate on, or to talk to, and is that healthy?

When it came to voting on motions at the group conscience, I could not overlook my own issues with people when it came to the conscious application of sober principles and traditions. I did not come to terms with those issues and I spoke to the members of the group, because they watched me get upset and twist in my chair through the entire meeting and they all said the same thing to me.

“You can’t help or save everyone.”