They tell us that it is going to get very cold out and then Sunday into Monday the snow will fall, and fall it will, in amounts that Montreal has not seen in years. 40 to 50 cm of snow in one event over 48 hours is a lot of snow. I think that Montreal has spent its budget in snow removal already!!!

I haven’t been feeling very motivated to write, let me rephrase that, I haven’t felt ‘inspired’ to write anything. None of my sources have given anything up that I can write to. Being on vacation puts me in a dumpy kind of mood. I can sleep as long as I want every day and I am a night person, so I’d rather sleep all day and have the night to myself, since hubby is a day person.

I’ve done all my shopping so I don’t have to worry about malls and crowds. I don’t have any desire to go wandering around in the cold to get to a meeting, not that I need one, I haven’t hit a downtown meeting other than my own in some time. I’m not feeling blue or anything, I am just in downer mode I guess.

Photo Courtesy of Kickin’ Tina

I guess I can dump what’s in my head as of late. Another holiday is upon us and another year sober, and still today, there is no movement on the family front. I explain away the fact that family is non-existent in my life because they only signed on for their share of the life contract and I am supposed to move forward and be ok with it. That is easier said than done. I don’t have anyone to make amends to because I moved here clean and sober, so there is no wreckage to clean up. And so I move forward in my life another holiday season is upon me and I am wondering WTF??

Adults will do what they do and I am powerless over people, places and things. I load up some ‘Minutes to Midnight’ by Linkin Park and I sit here and type away what is happening between my ears. I don’t feel resentful, maybe a little angry. Angry that another year has passed and no one from my side of the family has made any attempt to contact and over the holidays that hits me right in the middle of my chest. Heart ache is like a red hot poker stuck in the middle of my chest. It takes my breath away and leaves me gasping for air.

I got up late today and decided that going back to bed was a good thought and so I did. I had a really great dream, it was very warm and cozy and emotional. My super-conscious is working over time as of late. I’ve been having two arguments in my head as of late, one with the medical establishment and the other with unknown people. It is hard every year to walk this section of the year and not be emotional and to try and ignore the feelings that lie just beneath the surface of the great big sea. That angst that I ride like a roller coaster wants to take me to the edge of insanity and I want to scream and yell like Chester Bennington!!! Do You Fucking Hear Me, for Christ’s Sake????

I know better than to allow myself the ability to be angry and angst ridden. Because with that anger I wield an aluminum bat that I swing from side to side, what I would like to do with an aluminum bat, is something that I have pondered over the years…

But, I am sober today. And I know that I can jump head first into insanity and get all emotional and angry or I can rise above it and remember those little slogans I like to pepper the rest of you with. So I sit back in my kitchen and I open the bottle of elixir and I take a swig of sanity and calmness. I am not them, I am not what they have become, and I don’t need that kind of heartache in my life. But I have to mention it because I am sure that there are other people with my issues, themselves, who need to hear this.

I’ve read all the books I care to read on how to deal with wreckage. I know all the escapes and excuses and explanations. They are well practiced and well placed in my heart so that the pang of pain isn’t as great as it once was. 13 years is a long time and you have to admit, I’ve done quite well over the years. But I am a traditionalist. I am a man who believed in family once, I believe in prayer and I believe in miracles even if God tends to keep his counsel when I inquire about “What about me, for God’s sake?”

I guess you can say that I really hate the holidays, the whole notion of miracles and family, of love and of brotherhood. I know what I have today, and I lament what I do not. At age 40, living with Aids for so long and being clean and sober, give me perspective, the only thing I ever ask for – for Christmas, never comes to pass, because I guess, God wants me to move past this, to the best of my ability, every year this feeling rises and I know it is there and I try to ignore it, yet once again, I have allowed it to burst out of the great big sea. I may never get my Christmas miracle. And it is not my fault…

I have always believed that one day I would get the miracle, and still it eludes me.

I am powerless over people, places and things…

and This too shall pass…