Twas the Wednesday before Christmas and all through the house …

Day three of home alone is moving along nicely. I stayed up all night doing little odds and ends, watching You Tube and a little Madonna from Buenos Aires, and writing some pastoral letters to my boys. I turned the radio off at 5 this morning and went to bed after spending an hour reading “Turtles all the way down” and I slept until 2 this afternoon.

I had to do some supermarket safari for last minute items. I think I have got everything I need for the next few days. The turkey is thawing in the fridge and all the fixings are here – I got bread for hot turkey sandwiches and I bought some nice pork chops for dinner when hubby gets back tomorrow.

It was flurrying earlier but I can see the sun peeking from behind a cloud, it will be dark in 45 minutes. I am going to spend the rest of the day watching GLEE that hubby downloaded for me before he left for Ottawa.

More to come, stay tuned…

God dammit if my satellite radio player isn’t working tonight !!! It must be the weather… It is snowing in Montreal tonight. So I’ve loaded up a Chad Fox podcast and that is playing as I type tonight.

I have a lot on my mind tonight. People and places, times and tribulations. It has been very quiet with hubby gone, I have time to myself to think and be alone. I don’t get to be alone very much being married. So time to myself is a prized possession.

Last night was a little funny because I had to go to bed alone. I hate sleeping alone, but alas, family is family and hubby is doing his part to celebrate the holidays with his family.

Today is Tuesday and it was also my home group tonight. I was unnerved all day, time was just going by too slowly. So around 4′ o clock I got in the shower and got ready to go. I had to go by Provigo to pick up my cake for tonight.

Yes, I made it 8 years … Who knew I’d live to see today…

When this journey began fifteen years ago I had 18 months to live. The doctors told me to kiss my ass goodbye and call it a day. When the drink did not kill me, because I tried… To kill myself with the drink … God had other plans. And there were key people in my life then that stepped in to help save my life.

Danny
Roy
Todd
Farkle
Billy
Bill M.

I went into rehab and started my dance with sobriety on August the 23rd 1994. I would stay sober 4 years, if I knew then, what I know today, I would never have made that fateful geographic that took me out the door for 18 months of living hell. But you know, hindsight is 20/20. I have had a lot of time to think about the past and see the path that was laid before me. And really, to be honest, I haven’t spent a great deal of time thinking about the past, it is just something that I really don’t dwell on.

But tonight I hit two meetings at my home group and I had time to sit and ponder the past 8 years of “this” sobriety, and in a greater circle the last fifteen years. I should be dead… I should have died years ago … Which brings me to the eternal question that I ask every Christmas of God, “what am I still doing here?”

When I look back retrospectively over the past, I came to believe before I came to because someone up there liked me enough to set this path out that I walked, I wish I had had all this wisdom in my head then, but I didn’t. I had to walk it out “One day at a time.” When you are staring death in the face – and counting the days until you are supposed to die, you either learn how to live or you wait to die and learn nothing in between. There were too many people in my life then, that wanted and willed me to live. I think that those first years living with AIDS was consumed by working at the STUD. I was too busy to think about dying. And I think that that saved my life.

I walked the road. I had to stumble and fall, and learn to pick myself up again after my terrible crash and burn. God knew what he was doing. When I returned to home base after my slip the path was there, and I walked it.

Looking back I know that God was moving heaven and earth for me, and it seemed that I was paying attention to the signs and omens. I knew the way back to the rooms, but I was ashamed to come back because I was going to get sober AGAIN in the same city that I got sober in to begin with. And sober circles are very small … people know … and they knew I was on the rebound…

I prayed prayers – I needed certain things … And each prayer was answered.

1. I needed a place to live – and it came …
2. I needed a job, that came with the apartment
3. I needed to stop drinking – the hangover of death came
4. I needed to meet another alcoholic – Troy came into my life
5. I needed to get to a meeting – I did that for Troy’s 1st anniversary

I remember all the people who were instrumental in my getting sober this second time. Fonda, Ed, Charlie, Shane, Billy, Christian, and a litany of others that I can see in my minds eye but I can’t recall all the names. I got sober over the holidays and that was tough. But my friends stuck with me one day at a time, one hour at a time, one night at a time… and I stuck and stayed…

The first time I got sober in 1994, the ambulance came and they got me breathing again, and Danny took me home and lived in my apartment for a week, he would not leave me alone. I went back to work and went through rehab and found a group to get sober in. They were not as kind to me as the second group of people. Because back then, to get sober, one had to face the gauntlet of people betting against you that you would drink once again ….

I remember picking up my first medallion – Fuck You you bastards, I stayed sober, against all your bets and pressure to go back out and drink.

I worked in a bar, but I did not drink, because Roy was my sponsor and he worked in the bar too, his partner was the owner and my boss. If it wasn’t for what Todd did for me in those first years of living with AIDS I surely would have died. There aren’t enough thank you’s in the world to repay what he and all of them did for me when I needed it the most. I am totally grateful for all the gifts that came into my life … I miss my friends. But I guess I am a testament to the power of prayer and the work of a tight group of family that saved my sorry ass. So many of my friends went to grisly miserable deaths, and I was there through all of that, and I lived. Why ???

I pulled a second geographic in sobriety, but the second time I did it the right way. I got hooked into the rooms and found a place to live and people to help me stay sober and it seemed to work. I got hooked into Tuesday Beginner’s 8 years ago and the rest is history. So much has come into my life over the past 8 years that I am amazed by all the gifts. I have seen trials and tribulations and it hasn’t been easy, but Rick summed it up for the meeting tonight – “I came and I stuck, and I toughed it out one day at a time, and I made it to 8 years …”

And I lived to see another Christmas …

We don’t talk about that aspect of my life, and really it isn’t something that I fret over or think about any more, I think I may take it for granted sometimes, that maybe I forget that I am living on borrowed time. I don’t dwell on day counts or the fact that I live with a terminal disease. When I play that card at my meeting it shocks people. I am still alive, and surely there must be a God because let’s face it, if there wasn’t a God and I did not come to believe then I surely would have died long ago.

I guess that’s all for now. I need to go throw something together for dinner it is nearing 10:30 p.m. and I haven’t eaten all day …

Thanks for all your good wishes. This post will cross over on Facebook so I have to mention those folks here now. Thank you for my sobriety …

Christmas is in three days … woo hoo …

More to come, stay tuned…

The sprint for the holidays has begun. The final push to get all of our shopping done and thank God that’s all finished. I am home alone tonight as hubby left for his parent’s in Ottawa for the next few days. We had shipped out presents to my sister in law and her family and the package was delivered yesterday. Who knew that there was delivery on a Sunday… The elves are working over time.

This afternoon while hubby packed I went to do some house shopping and then went for a bit of supermarket safari. The weather is a bit frightful and I needed to get foodstuffs for the week. Hubby had gone to get himself something to eat for lunch, he didn’t get me anything so I needed food too.

I got my last Christmas present in the mail today from the RLP. His new book titled: Turtles all the way down.

I worked on the publishing committee – this book was conceived, written and published all my communal effort. We read, edited, illustrated, and assisted the Real Live Preacher in getting this book to print. So my name, along with a long list of others, is listed inside. Now I have something new to read at bedtime.

We have news this week that is not good. Our friend Adam is in the CICU at Shady Shide hospital. He is on a ventilator and is heavily sedated. He had a pericardiocentesis – to remove fluid from around his heart. He is also on kidney dialysis. If you can pray, then prayer is what he and his family needs right now. This is a real challenge and we hope that he makes it through this alive. You can follow the blog: HERE.

If there is a God, we need some serious attention here …

I had a 10 a.m. appointment with my professor this morning to go over my work for Gnosticism. I would have rather stayed in bed because it is (-15c/-24 w/c) outside this morning. Nothing like freezing your ass off walking to school.

I came away from the meeting with a sense of direction and my prof was very supportive in giving me some direction on what I need to do now with both my paper and my book review. I knew it was too much work all at once at the end of term for both classes. It was just too much for me and I did not pace myself correctly to step up to the graduate level of work, which I WILL do for next term.

I have until the end of March to finish these two projects which is more time than I may need, but it is there nonetheless. He gave me ideas on what I really need to do for both papers. I was on information overload and that translated into my papers. So now I can focus on smaller bits of information and work from there. I have the ideas in my head, because they have been percolating in my brain for a little while now and I should be able to translate that into another set of works.

I am sticking with the program. Since they seem to want me to succeed I can’t drop the ball now. All in all it was a good meeting and I came away with more than I expected, so that’s good.

Hubby is doing laundry. He is leaving for Ottawa on Monday afternoon to see his family, which gives me a lot of time to myself. And I like that …

I did a little supermarket safari on the way home. The store was blessedly empty so I was in and out very quickly.

More to come, stay tuned …

Well, the verdict is in. And it isn’t good. I wrote two papers and a book review and both my professors have asked me to resubmit that work again – rewritten of course to up my grades. I did not fail outright, but a C grade for a graduate student is the kiss of death, and an automatic dismissal from the graduate program. Instead of dismissing me – they have told me that I can resubmit my work over the next 60 days. It seems my writing skills need a severe upgrade.

I am unsure of my abilities to perform up to code. I am unsure of my future success as a grad student should I proceed into next semester. I need a serious tune up if I am going to maintain my membership in the grad student program.

I have pondered dropping out of the grad program all together and shift to the nominal Theology program degree, but I haven’t made that decision yet. But it is in my back pocket. I need to sit with my advisers over the break and talk this through before I make any future commitments or rash decisions. I am not going to change my stays as of yet, I am registered for the winter term so that stays as is for now.

It is a cold (-30c) day outside. Quite bitter if you ask me.

We got the rest of the gifts for the family wrapped today and we have to get them into the mail in the next 24 hours. All of the home Christmas shopping and wrapping is done, the turkey is in the freezer and the cupboards are stocked with fixings. Hubby is off to Ottawa next week to see family and I will be home alone for a few days. We will spend Christmas together at home again this year.

I talked to my sponsor today and to Rick about my home group. Since I am now free on Tuesday’s I can restart set up in the month of January since our newbie that is there will be traveling out west for school. I might be chairing the month of January which will be good for me. Better to give me something to do other than ruminating over my failure as a grad student. I am not happy at the moment, not one bit. But I knew I was in for a challenge, I just didn’t think it would be this challenging. My self esteem is shot to hell. And I don’t like it one bit.

That’s all for now.

More to come, stay tuned…

I got an email from my gnosticism prof telling me that I failed to fulfill the required work as a graduate student. So now I have to resubmit my papers to him in the new year.

FUCK ME !!!

I just had that sinking feeling …

I got a “C’ which should be avoided. I have to resubmit and that will be ok.

Found on: Joe My God … And Wicked Gay Blog

Well, I’d like to think so. The savvy computer tech aka hubby tried to fix the computer the other day and after repeated patches and computer hack fixes relented and called Microbytes for advice.

We ended up taking the computer to the repair shop yesterday so we were without internet for almost 24 hours. It wasn’t that bad. Yes it was… What do you do with yourself without the computer??? not much. read, go to bed early.

It was supposed to be a day filled with fun and celebration, alas, it was not. Last night amid no computer, I did go to bed earlier than usual, but I’ve been having problems getting to sleep lately. So I did not sleep very well last night and this morning I had an 8:30 a.m. call, and for many of you, you know I don’t do mornings. I had to be at the Theology department to sit in on a job applicant (Prof. Mark Scott) talk about his resume to the department heads. It was a good introduction – he is very smart and I like him.

I spoke to my Prof. who taught Christology and told him that I was feeling a little disconnected and I was afraid of my grades this term. I’m really feeling a little inadequate right now, and he told me not to worry about it that he was sure that I did alright. My other prof for Gnosticism was there this morning and he wasn’t very talkative. ugh !!!

I came home after the meeting was over with. And hubby went to get the computer and we started it up and it worked like a charm. I napped all afternoon into the evening. And I am still feeling a little “other than myself.”

I was supposed to go to the meeting and get my 8 year medallion and have cake but I just didn’t feel like getting out of my warm and toasty bed. It has been cold and snowy all day. oh well, I’ll get it next week. Hubby will be in Ottawa visiting his parents so I will go to the meeting then.

That’s all I’ve got for you right now.

More to come, stay tuned…

May your holiday be blessed as we light the first candle…

It was a productive day today. I ventured out to go to the post office to pick up one of the packages that came for hubby. The thing we all hate in the city has begun, and that would be dirty slush at all the intersections… The plows came through last night and piled all the snow on the sides of streets burying cars where they were parked.

It is cold and blustery. There are flurries falling now. I got home and wrapped the box and started with my housework. Our fridge is on the blink and they are coming to replace it tonight or tomorrow. I had to winterize the windows today because it is getting too cold out and the wind was blowing through the windows as usual. So I started in the bedroom and that went rather quickly. Every year we have to put plastic over the windows to keep out the cold, because when they installed the new windows in the building they did a half ass job with them.

I finished that room and came into the living room, which is more than a nightmare because I have to take down the blinds and work around the fabric I have hanging over the windows… ugh !!! It took me a bit to do it all but it got done. So we are set for the season now. The windows won’t open until next spring.

The mailman is going to be busy this week. I still have three packages out there still in transit. My new boots made it out of customs today so they should be here any day now. And I am waiting for another of the books I ordered hubby and one I ordered for myself from the Real Live Preacher. I hope they bring them upstairs instead of leaving me pick up notices – that is such a pain in the ass. It all depends on who delivers the mail to the building.

That was my day …

More to come, stay tuned …

It’s not a blizzard yet … But there’s quite a bit of snow on the ground and it is still coming down at this hour. Everything will come to a slow crawl until it passes. Even the mail is slow. The streets are starting to get piled up as well. I am sure that the plows will be out tonight.

More to come, stay tuned …